Just tired...

I am tired of Phil being unhappy and there being nothing I can do to change that. I'm tired of sucking at school and not getting the grades I feel I deserve. I'm tired of being told I have to wait to have kids because of school. I'm just tired and whiney today. Which I really shouldn't be, because God blessed me with a job! I freakin love the guy who hired me, sweet old guy I think we'll get along pretty well. Its part time but I can work and it won't interrupt my classes. So thank you Lord for blessing me in our time of need.

Population 2.

I serisously had an amazing moment today. I was leaving costco after picking up my christmas cards and busy thinking about christmas, the bills, school and the finals coming up that I'm sure to fail and a whole mess of other self centered things to focus on. As I was pulling outta the parking lot, I caught sight of a tiny little wrinkley homeless man, like literally starving, he was so tiny, and his big beefy mut playing on the corner. No signs, not begging, just enjoying the sunshine. As I was pulling away I felt I needed to turn around and give them something. I thought about it as I was turning around. The dog was so well fed and in good shape and happy. The man gaining any food via begging must have been feeding his dog instead of him self. What a selfless thing to do. Especially in those circumstances! I've been homeless and I've had my share of dogs. Cotton and I play every night in a warm house, with a roof and plenty of food. It broke my heart that I couldn't take the old man and his dog home to somewhere warm but  Idid have some food. So I pulled over next to him and pulled out a huge bag of carmel popcorn that had been waiting to be eaten for awhile and he say God bless you and the first thing he did was give his dog a huge handful of popcorn and then gave himself some. It was one of the most selfless things I have ever seen. It melted my heart and made me see how selfish I was being just focusing on me,me,me. Thank you God for making it "Population 2."

http://youtu.be/M9Yasgzjc0w

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Thanksgiving is almost here!

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving, 1) because Phil and I are hosting for our first time, and 2) because we get to see family!!!

We are cleaning and preping the house today and it looks great.

As for School itll be a pretty quiet week thank goodness. I have my drill partner for next term picked out and shes wonderful :) Quarter Horse named Peyton :) I am just so anxious right now. For my step kids, my family, and impending finals coming up.

Not too sure exactley where to pin the nervousness though. OMG my brain is all over the place.

Saw breaking dawn opening night with my hubby and sister and brother in law.... AMAZING series. Books will never be beat but still love the movies. OMG I am so mad the last one wont be out till NEXT november :(

Anyway back to cleaning and FB :) Ahhhh my lack of social life is showing :)

UPDATE: dad

UPDATE: My dad is gaining use in his left side a little bit. He is going to be transferred out of the critical care unit and into rehab today they said. He's better and is on the road to a slow partial recovery :)

My kiddos.

     I was talking to my sister in law last night, and the step kids came up. I miss them SOOOOO much. I know I'm not their mother but I feel like something akin to that. I love them and think about them all the time.
Trinady I get to interact with more than Aiden. Trinady knows who I am and makes me laugh until I cry shes so funny! I adore her. Aiden on the other hand, we never see or talk to, he knew at one time who Phil and I were to him. Now because of Adrienne keeping him away from us I highly doubt that he remembers. With out the reinforcement its not likely that he will retain that kind of information.

I want to see them grow up, not just see photos. I wish they were closer :(

I look forward to the summers where Trinady and Aiden will be able to visit for extended periods of time and we can spend daily time with them. Like a routine not just special occasion stuff. I can only wait though. I want my own kids, but really these are my first kids and I want a relationship with them no matter how many of my own kids I have.

Grrrr I miss them. I want to hold them so bad right now.

UPDATE

UPDATE: Matt is being held at the hospital for a few more days and then itll be a long stay at rehabilitation. The stroke has basically maimed his left side, but he may regain some use again over time. His speech is totally gone and he may or may not that back. His blood pressure is through the roof and is what initially caused the many small strokes that lead the this massive stroke. A social worker is going to be keeping tabs and making sure hes taking his blood pressure medicine and not drinking anymore. Hopefully He will be in the rehab center soon.

BAD NEWS.

My biological father has had a massive stroke and is in the hospital. I found out about 20 minutes ago.

Its a weird place to be in. He's hurt me and my whole family so badly. He's damaged other people beyond repair. Hes now getting what most would say in Karma. But I don't exactly know what this is. All I know is that he hates himself and loathes others. I want him to know how much I love him and God loves him, but that I love myself and that being away from him is healthy for me.

Its really kinda all new this thought of death to the man who helped bring me into this world.

Please pray for him. Not to necessarily be healed but for him to find God.




UPDATE: He's had major mutliple strokes and my brother is by his side. I may be flying to california. If I had just answered the phone when my grandma, mom and sister called me or not deleted the voicemail, I woulda known sooner. Not really going to change the circumstances but its just bad....