Just tired...

I am tired of Phil being unhappy and there being nothing I can do to change that. I'm tired of sucking at school and not getting the grades I feel I deserve. I'm tired of being told I have to wait to have kids because of school. I'm just tired and whiney today. Which I really shouldn't be, because God blessed me with a job! I freakin love the guy who hired me, sweet old guy I think we'll get along pretty well. Its part time but I can work and it won't interrupt my classes. So thank you Lord for blessing me in our time of need.

Population 2.

I serisously had an amazing moment today. I was leaving costco after picking up my christmas cards and busy thinking about christmas, the bills, school and the finals coming up that I'm sure to fail and a whole mess of other self centered things to focus on. As I was pulling outta the parking lot, I caught sight of a tiny little wrinkley homeless man, like literally starving, he was so tiny, and his big beefy mut playing on the corner. No signs, not begging, just enjoying the sunshine. As I was pulling away I felt I needed to turn around and give them something. I thought about it as I was turning around. The dog was so well fed and in good shape and happy. The man gaining any food via begging must have been feeding his dog instead of him self. What a selfless thing to do. Especially in those circumstances! I've been homeless and I've had my share of dogs. Cotton and I play every night in a warm house, with a roof and plenty of food. It broke my heart that I couldn't take the old man and his dog home to somewhere warm but  Idid have some food. So I pulled over next to him and pulled out a huge bag of carmel popcorn that had been waiting to be eaten for awhile and he say God bless you and the first thing he did was give his dog a huge handful of popcorn and then gave himself some. It was one of the most selfless things I have ever seen. It melted my heart and made me see how selfish I was being just focusing on me,me,me. Thank you God for making it "Population 2."

http://youtu.be/M9Yasgzjc0w

Commit a random act of kindness.

Thanksgiving is almost here!

I'm so excited for Thanksgiving, 1) because Phil and I are hosting for our first time, and 2) because we get to see family!!!

We are cleaning and preping the house today and it looks great.

As for School itll be a pretty quiet week thank goodness. I have my drill partner for next term picked out and shes wonderful :) Quarter Horse named Peyton :) I am just so anxious right now. For my step kids, my family, and impending finals coming up.

Not too sure exactley where to pin the nervousness though. OMG my brain is all over the place.

Saw breaking dawn opening night with my hubby and sister and brother in law.... AMAZING series. Books will never be beat but still love the movies. OMG I am so mad the last one wont be out till NEXT november :(

Anyway back to cleaning and FB :) Ahhhh my lack of social life is showing :)

UPDATE: dad

UPDATE: My dad is gaining use in his left side a little bit. He is going to be transferred out of the critical care unit and into rehab today they said. He's better and is on the road to a slow partial recovery :)

My kiddos.

     I was talking to my sister in law last night, and the step kids came up. I miss them SOOOOO much. I know I'm not their mother but I feel like something akin to that. I love them and think about them all the time.
Trinady I get to interact with more than Aiden. Trinady knows who I am and makes me laugh until I cry shes so funny! I adore her. Aiden on the other hand, we never see or talk to, he knew at one time who Phil and I were to him. Now because of Adrienne keeping him away from us I highly doubt that he remembers. With out the reinforcement its not likely that he will retain that kind of information.

I want to see them grow up, not just see photos. I wish they were closer :(

I look forward to the summers where Trinady and Aiden will be able to visit for extended periods of time and we can spend daily time with them. Like a routine not just special occasion stuff. I can only wait though. I want my own kids, but really these are my first kids and I want a relationship with them no matter how many of my own kids I have.

Grrrr I miss them. I want to hold them so bad right now.

UPDATE

UPDATE: Matt is being held at the hospital for a few more days and then itll be a long stay at rehabilitation. The stroke has basically maimed his left side, but he may regain some use again over time. His speech is totally gone and he may or may not that back. His blood pressure is through the roof and is what initially caused the many small strokes that lead the this massive stroke. A social worker is going to be keeping tabs and making sure hes taking his blood pressure medicine and not drinking anymore. Hopefully He will be in the rehab center soon.

BAD NEWS.

My biological father has had a massive stroke and is in the hospital. I found out about 20 minutes ago.

Its a weird place to be in. He's hurt me and my whole family so badly. He's damaged other people beyond repair. Hes now getting what most would say in Karma. But I don't exactly know what this is. All I know is that he hates himself and loathes others. I want him to know how much I love him and God loves him, but that I love myself and that being away from him is healthy for me.

Its really kinda all new this thought of death to the man who helped bring me into this world.

Please pray for him. Not to necessarily be healed but for him to find God.




UPDATE: He's had major mutliple strokes and my brother is by his side. I may be flying to california. If I had just answered the phone when my grandma, mom and sister called me or not deleted the voicemail, I woulda known sooner. Not really going to change the circumstances but its just bad....

Children.

So on my way home from my midterm I was listening to Focus on the Family on the radio and they were talking about Parents teaching their Children to love and respect themselves. The speakers book...

http://family.christianbook.com/what-your-daughter-isnt-telling-you/susie-shellenberger/9780764203756/pd/203756

...is full of great information. They spoke about how that Fathers and Mothers alike should "Date" their daughters. They should have a day once a week to instill good feelings about there children in themselves. The father can show his daughter what the dating standards are and not to settle for anything less. He can teach her that real love is respect not sex. Mothers can help their daughters self esteem by helping them find clothes that accentuate there inner beauty and skills in their hobbies. They can teach them how to appropriately wear makeup and clothes and how to act or treat others.

I realized how much I missed on, not experiencing any of these things. What I wouldn't give to have another chance. I can know see where alot of my personal issues come from or at least stemmed from.
I love my mom, but I never really got anything from her growing up because of the abusive situation my father had us all in. So it goes with out saying I got nothing from my father on why I should wait or respect my self. All he ever did was instill in me that I was a good for nothing whore who would never amount to nothing because I wasn't as beautiful as others or wasn't built curvy enough or what ever. His words permanently changed the way I viewed myself. Fathers relationships with their daughters is incredibly important. Mothers to Sons as well.


They also spoke about how parents can instill the proper way for a boy to grow into the perfect man/husband and friend.
How a father's words do not matter as much as his actions. A boy will mimic the way his fathers treats his wife or daughter and translate that as how to treat women. A father must instill respectfulness and strength and chivalry in his sons at an early age as what is acceptable and what isn't. Mothers alike also should be expecting so much from there sons. Have her sons be chivalrous to herself and their sisters and teach them how to talk to and interact appropriately with women.

My Husband has been recently opening the truck door for me and helping me out more and I've noticed. Men don't think that your women don't notice. We notice everything from what you do or do not do. My friend Luke is and has always been so chivalrous to me, its so refreshing to see a well brought up young man who respects women and is polite and can speak with me on an intellectual level and still be the "protector". My husband has always been a superb protector, I like to think thats his speciality. He has my best interest at heart always. Sometimes he gets so wrapped up in things he forgets the small things though.

After listening to the message on the radio I told my husband that when we have daughters I want them to love and respect themselves more than I did. When I met my husband I was a Virgin. I was a virgin because of instilled fear from my biological father not out of self respect for myself. I want my children to respect their bodies out of love for themselves and future spouses, not out of fear. Its not healthy and it   causes problems latter on in life.  I'm glad my husband is the only person I've been with, but we were together before we were wed, if you know what I mean. So even that I don't want for my children. I want them to truly wait out of respect and love for themselves and their future spouses and wait till their wedding day. No regrets. I have a good friend who told me that she would've waited until she was married, if she knew that being a virgin was not going to inhibit her married sex life. Girls and Boys now days have such a warped view on sex and romance. Its on all the TWEEN magazines and they have questions / polls asking the 12-16 year old crowd "How do you know when you are ready for sex?"

EASY answer: Are you Married? No? Then you are not ready for sex. PERIOD. I don't care if you're 30 and unmarried its not time yet. I don't regret having sex with my husband but I regret having sex with him before we were married. I can honestly tell me children that their father is the only man I've been with. But I want them to do one better than I. Wait until your wedding night, its so worth it.

Oh man baring my soul here...

Anyways had to share. It was on my heart. All you parents out there, single or married. Take your children on dates, show them what is expected and not to settle for less. Teach the boys to treat the girls with respect and honor and to respect himself and teach the girls to not subject themselves to the whims of the world and that she is beautiful whether everyone around her sees it or not and that she has standards and not to lower them.

That is all. For now :)

Some pix :)

   My Husband and I on the Big day!

                                                After he came home from Iraq 2009-2010

                                     Step dad-Joe, Mom-Michelle, Hubby, Step Daughter Trinady,
                              Me, Little Brother-Joshua, Little Sister- Prima (Step Son was not present)

                                                           First Army Ball together 2010!

                                                            On our Pre-Honeymoon!

                                           My Twilight obsession bleeding through into real life.

                                                    Me and my beautiful Step-son Aiden :)

                                            Me and my Beautiful Step-Daughter Trinady :)

Brother in Law- Mark, Niece-Brenna, Sister in law- Ronda who is preggo with

 now 1 year old Boden, Mother and Father in law- Ron and Leta, Sister in law -

Rachel and now Brother in law Sonny :)

                                                           Us and Grandma Weatherby!

Grandma Dorothy, Grandpa Duane, Us, same as earlier photo, Grandpa Dan and Grandma Penny

                                              My mom. Philip. Me. Joshua. Prima. Clowned.

Revisiting old thoughts.

I have had a really hard walk with God personally. But in spite of all that I have had to deal with personally in my walk and relationship with Christ I do know one thing. I know where I stand with him. I know that I would take a bullet for my faith, or that when I die and am done with this life that I will be with him in the next. I have a long way to go on improving myself and my christian witness, being a better wife, friend, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter etc.

But this is to all my friends AND family who don't have what I have. Certainty. A real relationship with Jesus. I can barely stand the thought of my friends only being here for this part of my life, and never seeing them again once I die. I don't want this to come off as "I'm a christian and you're not so your going to hell" type thing. I want this to come across as HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, and that the thought of not having you forever hurts me so badly on a daily level. I have been really working/struggling with my walk with Jesus. I met many of my friends when I was going through the worst parts and my weakest points of my relationship with God. So since thats the girl they met, its hard to come back to them new and changed, not in a radical way, but in a new way a Follower of Jesus,a child of God and in my heart knowing hes holding me and keeping through my roughest storms. Its a great feeling. I want my friends and family to know that feeling to know what I have rediscovered in him that makes me have the certainty and I can can say with out a shadow of a doubt that I want my friends/family to have this peace. Through the stuff Phil and I struggle with he gives me peace. Every sunday on my way to church He some how has just the right song play on the christian radio station. It ministers to me and what ever storm I'm currently going through and I cry and just pour my heart out in prayer and just bathe in his love and listen to that song over and over wanting to share my joy and happiness with my loved ones who dont have this or struggle with this.

The whole point of this letter is for me to get my heart out there for my loved ones to know where I stand with God. Its not a religion thing, its a relationship thing. You can say I dont do organized religion, or churches are to snotty or what ever. The thing is those are excuses. Its not about church or organized religion. Its about finding a place with fellow believers or just inside yourself where you can reach down deep and find peace and all the desires of your heart you would want to tell him about, well the best part is he already knows. He knew you before you existed, he knows the very fibers that wove you together into existence and he knows you like no one else. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends or lovers or anyone. He is everything you could ever need, and then he gives you more: Your family, your friends and your ability to love.

I want all my friends to read this and know I want this for them, what I have, in Christ. I have peace. I know where I stand with him. I want to know I'll see you again after this life. I want you to look forward to having a relationship with Jesus, not dread it because of what others may say or think of you. Its your soul that matters and where you go after death, not what others think of you now.

When my wonderful friend Mandie said yes to go with me to church not once but twice, I was elated. I didnt expect her to fall in love with Jesus right then and there, but I do hope what she saw in me was that I loved him so much and that I wanted that for her. Its not a crutch and its not make believe story. Then again believe what you may, Christ died so that your sins were paid for. And he gave us the CHOICE to take that and have a relationship with him or ignore him and live our own lives. So I can't make you believe, I can only tell you what its done for me. my amazing friend Austyn has helped me get back on track with God, and helped me become a less selfish person.

Knowing in my heart that some of my friends and family will reject God for reasons that they believe to be good enough makes me sad. God doesn't do horrible things to people, but he does allow us to go through hard times to grow and mature. He gives us the chance to do things right and when we dont its a domino effect and in that effect we can end up straying from him which in turn leads to the next generations not knowing him. So I am trying to bring it all back, back to the young generations who dont really know, to the people who like me fell away or had reasons to blame God for things that went bad. I want you all to know he LOVES you more than you can fathom.

My favorite song at church has one verse that I think I will get tattooed on me somewhere. 

It says.... "From life's first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny." 

It makes me so happy and makes me swell with happiness hearing those words resound in my head, I just cry everytime.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, so that everyone who reads this knows I love them and want them FOREVER, not just in this life time. Its not enough for me. You are too important to me.

I still wanna grab a beer with my friends, go do karaoke and have a blast. I just want them to know where true bliss can be found. Its not in booze or pot or sex, not in material items. But in a true understanding and relationship with God and his love for us.

We've all heard this and if not its a classic: "For God so loved the world that he gave his ONLY begotten son, that who se ever believed in him, shall not PERISH, but have everlasting life."

Just know I dont mean this in an antagonistic manner, I just needed all my loved ones to know how much they mean to me. its bed time, loves to all my peeps. 

Peace love and hugs.. Shanti Kriens

PS if your not tagged its because I ran outta tags LOL you are loved too read this :) HUGS